Epic cock-ups abroad

You are driving up the coast in California and have accidentally performed an illegal left turn in full view of a police car. The police car rounds the corner and turns its lights and sirens on. You pull over immediately - images of LA police brutally beating suspects flash through your mind. Your girlfriend is crying. Dear God.

Admittedly, this advice comes via Dog The Bounty Hunter, but worked remarkably well when Mr Helene and I put it into practice. Basically, the idea is that in this situation, the cop may be just as scared that you are a gun-toting maniac as you are of sharing a prison cell with a sweaty biker who calls you Sugarlips.

1. Under no circumstances get out of the car. However keen you are to get the situation resolved by skipping over to charm Sergeant Gunpants, he will think you want to shoot him.

2. Equally, do not begin a frantic search on the floor of the car for your licence. He will think you are looking for your elusive gun, so you can shoot him. Keep your hands on the steering wheel.

3. Do not roll down the window all the way and stick your head out to start apologising. He will just think you want to shout at him before you shoot him. Roll the window down about halfway and wait for him to come over to you before you start talking.

4. Apologise immediately, if you know what you have done wrong. Call him "Officer" or "sir" (obviously not if you've been pulled over by a police woman). If you have any good reasons then explain politely and briefly what they are. Being British worked really well for us here. If there is any small talk proferred, participate smilingly.

5. If you are given a fine, do not grumble or roll your eyes. Think of the hairy biker in his cell. You have escaped him. This is a good result. Unless you are in South America, a bribe will not work. Don't try it.

6. Say thank you and apologise again. Wait for the police officer to drive away before high-fiving your passengers if you have not received a fine. You may want to go and have a coffee and some biscuits before continuing your journey.