PowerPoint suicide

It’s 8.58am: in 2 minutes you’re going into the Global Marketing Director’s office to present your proposal on a huge project for the business. Your immediate boss, who is going in with you, comes over to your desk with a copy of your presentation and says, “This isn’t good enough – we can’t present this,” before picking up her notepad and heading into the Director’s office with a beaming smile. Utterly speechless, you pick up your laptop and a copy of the presentation you have spent the last 3 weeks perfecting and head into the office with your tail between your legs. Your confidence has been hit upside the head, and there’s no recovering it.

You mumble your way to slide 3 of 75, when the laptop packs in. The only thing more mortifying than this is the subsequent crawl around the floor under the table looking for the plug socket. The Global Marketing Director stifles an involuntary sigh and scans his watch. With a smile he suggests continuing without the laptop, not realising he is crushing you with his kindness.

Thirty agonising minutes later, the Director mentions celebrity endorsement for the project: Russell Brand is too risky, Kanye West is too expensive, and Lily Allen is pregnant. With an upbeat tone and excited eyes, you pip in: “Oh, actually Lily Allen had a miscarriage last night, so she may be able to make it,” as if this is good news for everyone in the room. You then look down and remember that your boss is 8-months pregnant. “It’s awful.” Your attempt to salvage the situation is met with blank faces.

Some tips to avoiding Presentation Hell:

First impressions
The first 3 minutes are key to getting your audience onboard for the rest of your presentation: be prepared, test the equipment, and own the show before you begin. Don’t be late, sweating or hungover.

Keep it short and relevant
People are easily bored, so stick to the point of the presentation. Lily Allen’s miscarriage is not the point. Each slide should relate directly to your aim. If you’re getting to 75 PowerPoint slides, chances are you need to restructure your presentation. In any case, keep your audience on track with the three-step rule:
1. Summarise what you will tell them
2. Tell them
3. Summarise what you have just told them

Death by bullet point
Is there any other way you can present this information? In the undignified situation above, I scrapped the laptop and reverted to a mood board I had created in 30 minutes from Getty Images. Visual aids work much better than text-heavy slides, so look at each slide and ask yourself if it is there for you, or there for your audience. If it is a slide of bullet points designed only to help you through your presentation, scrap it - use an image- or video-led approach to help enhance your message for your audience. See below 2 ways of delivering the same speech.

Text-heavy presentation:

Image-led presentation:

Seven signs that your job may not be recession proof

An interesting post from business pundit on unpopular jobs that are, for the most part, recession-proof.

But how do you know if your job or business is unusually susceptible to axing during a recession?
Here are a few ideas:

1. You are doing a sales job and are not in the top 60% of performers. Think about why - should you be in an account management role instead? Why did you get into sales? Are you actually doing enough calls/meetings to generate revenue? Do people around you who are performing better have better clients, or a better work ethic or sales technique?


2. Your job or business is dependent on customer whim. You are a holistic masseur for iguanas, for example, or you run the excellent Any Question Answered - businesses that depend on your target customer spontaneously deciding that their iguana needs a massage that goes beyond the traditional, or that they simply must, this instant, know the advice of an anonymous stranger on what they should get their dad for his birthday.


3. You work for a hedge fund or an investment bank. You thought they were paying you well because of the obscenely long hours. Turns out, it's also because you aren't necessarily a long-term investment. The exception to this rule is if you are either shit-hot, or very well liked. Ideally, be both.


4. You are expensive, work in a big organisation and have a job that involves liaising between teams internally. In leaner times, people will learn to talk to each other if you're not there to do it for them.


5. You work in governance or compliance in an organisation where this is not viewed as essential. If project managers do not come looking for you demanding your opinion on their project plans and GANTT charts - be worried.


6. Dan and I have both worked in big businesses that over-strategise basic things, like "space planning". This job is basically to be Head of Chairs. Although things would be a bit less efficient if managers had to order their own chairs, it's safe to say it would not have a significant impact on share price.
The key if you are in this role is to maintain an aura of barely contained chaos. You are the little Dutch boy holding back the dyke of furniture calamity, if anyone asks. This explains why these people are always so argumentative.

7. You are an arse. If you are routinely awful to everyone around you at work, you had better be totally indispensible.

Epic cock-ups abroad

You are driving up the coast in California and have accidentally performed an illegal left turn in full view of a police car. The police car rounds the corner and turns its lights and sirens on. You pull over immediately - images of LA police brutally beating suspects flash through your mind. Your girlfriend is crying. Dear God.

Admittedly, this advice comes via Dog The Bounty Hunter, but worked remarkably well when Mr Helene and I put it into practice. Basically, the idea is that in this situation, the cop may be just as scared that you are a gun-toting maniac as you are of sharing a prison cell with a sweaty biker who calls you Sugarlips.

1. Under no circumstances get out of the car. However keen you are to get the situation resolved by skipping over to charm Sergeant Gunpants, he will think you want to shoot him.

2. Equally, do not begin a frantic search on the floor of the car for your licence. He will think you are looking for your elusive gun, so you can shoot him. Keep your hands on the steering wheel.

3. Do not roll down the window all the way and stick your head out to start apologising. He will just think you want to shout at him before you shoot him. Roll the window down about halfway and wait for him to come over to you before you start talking.

4. Apologise immediately, if you know what you have done wrong. Call him "Officer" or "sir" (obviously not if you've been pulled over by a police woman). If you have any good reasons then explain politely and briefly what they are. Being British worked really well for us here. If there is any small talk proferred, participate smilingly.

5. If you are given a fine, do not grumble or roll your eyes. Think of the hairy biker in his cell. You have escaped him. This is a good result. Unless you are in South America, a bribe will not work. Don't try it.

6. Say thank you and apologise again. Wait for the police officer to drive away before high-fiving your passengers if you have not received a fine. You may want to go and have a coffee and some biscuits before continuing your journey.

And your name is...?

You're at a book launch for an author with friends in high places. You're having a sip of champagne, and you find yourself talking polite chat with a couple of people you have little interest in, but who happen to be standing near the champagne. You whitter on in sweeping statements about your job in publishing or PR. You quickly run dry, and turn to one of the gentleman and say, "But enough about me; what do you do?"

He looks like he's never been asked this question before. "I’m, er..." he says, looking slightly awkward and nervously adjusting his dog collar, "I’m... The Archbishop of Canterbury." Absolutely mortified, you apologetically screech, "Oh my god! I had no idea!" And then, by way of further explanation, "I’m a Quaker."

The Archbishop beams beatifically. "And what a lovely thing to be."

Luckily, I was the onlooker in this dialogue; but the experience of not knowing who someone is when you've met them several times happens on a daily basis. When you're sat round a boardroom table with 12 people from different departments and agencies, they all look to you to be introduced, and suddenly your memory clears completely. There were definitely three Andrews, and a James...

Two is the magic number
The strategy is to make an ally. Acknowledge to them before you go to the meeting that you may be unsure of names, and introduce them first to everyone. As they shake hands, the nameless co-workers will usually introduce themselves. Failing this, your ally should be prepped to ask, "And what's your name? Nice to meet you."

Commit to all senses
In the boardroom, an acceptable tool is to ask each individual to introduce themselves to the rest one by one. As all participants do so, jot down their names on your notepad in the same configuration as they are seated. When each one talks for the rest of the meeting, look briefly down at their name, and you'll find that you will quickly remember all names - by writing it, reading it, seeing their face and hearing their voice as you read, you are committing the name to as many senses as possible and will find it easier in future.

If that fails, look for a dog collar and sceptre.

When not to apologise during an epic cock-up

The scenario: My boss recently asked me to book her place at a conference we were both attending. As I was booking mine anyway, I obliged, although it took ages.

(As an aside, online booking should make things easier and less bureaucratic. If it’s taking twice as long as it would take over the phone, your customer does not benefit. You do, because it’s cheaper than employing resource to deal with customer calls – but how much business do you lose? This is a false economy, like shoes from New Look. In both examples, people can tell you’ve economised and subsequently think you are cheap, which devalues your brand.)

Her confirmation email came through, showing she’d been bumped to a much less nice chain hotel for the conference as the main place was overflowing. I sympathised, but I didn’t apologise: this was her responsibility to sort out, not mine. It got me to thinking – there are some scenarios in which you should never apologise, however British you may be feeling.

You should sympathise, not apologise, when:

It’s outside your sphere of responsibility – I’m not a PA, so it’s not my job to sort out accommodation. You need to be careful with this one: no-one wants to be perceived as a grudging employee, but if you say yes to these requests too often, you set the precedent that it is ok to ask you to pick up admin tasks. Don’t apologise, but do help them find the tools to sort out the problem. I responded with sympathy – and then followed up with the number for the conference organiser.

It’s someone else’s fault – no-one likes to be apologised for! Go with a diplomatic “oh no, that sounds like a nightmare” rather than grovelling on a colleague’s behalf. The exception is when it is one of the people you manage who has cocked-up. In this situation, you are The Boss – and therefore should have seen it coming. Apologise that “we dropped the ball on this one” and move on.

Your employment will depend on not apologising/admitting culpability. Caught watching porn on a work laptop in your downtime? Always say your flatmate did it. Apologise for allowing the vile beast to get his depraved hands on the esteemed property of the company – but you should never fess up to this one. Your future employers are not scouring the market for brilliant managers who are sex fiends. Also, don’t do this. It’s really silly.

Why you should confront people problems before they spiral

Just discovered http://www.glassdoor.com/ - an interesting site where people post reviews about their employers. Seems like there are some real surprises - although Google is always touted as a great place to work, in some of their reviews it's clear that there are some seriously disgruntled people there.

We've all been there: surrounded by (or worse, managing) super-negative people who for whatever reason hate the environment and their job, and are adamant about telling other people. Sites like Glassdoor are potentially platforms for these moaners - but if a company is doing their job properly, these people should be a) balanced out by people who are passionate enough about you to rave about how great your business is, or b) you should have fired them by now. You can and you should fire people with terminally awful attitudes - or they will bite you in the arse in the long term.

What is WCS?

Developing the "worst case scenario" principle came about while Dan and I were starting an events management business together. We were involved in negotiations with several groups of difficult people with differing interests, and gradually started to work out what the worst possible outcome for each individual meeting beforehand. Generally, this highly-strategic in-depth meeting preparation occured on the train, stuck into a gin and tonic.

The idea was that by planning for the WCS, if it happens you are prepared, and if it doesn't happen, pretty much any meeting outcome is a bonus. So the principle fulfils a lot of our key strategy requirements: simple, effective, and better at giving you pre-meeting confidence than a gin and tonic. Your boss would also probably prefer it.